B-Movie Review

"What are they doing to my b-medium," I rant as I type my anger to
the world. It is a dark and scary night. The kind of night when
anything weird could happen.
"Like lost in space!" I further enscribe, as the sound of a
harpsichord hits an e major seventh. "A perfectly good b genre as a
series, evil computer editors gather in dim labratories and grin
maniacally as they hack and butcher until....until....UNTIL...o my god my heads gonna explode!...a slick, polished hollywood thingy."
A branch scratches at my windows like the claws of savage blood
thirsty mutated rats, as I press on. "I can almost hear these slick
dudes smugly saying,-'look what I can do!'- sure computers can do a
lot....sometimes too much! Muhahahaha!"
As I rubbed my head deep in thought, and scratched my chin as I
mused, the candle blew out mysteriously. I went to the basement to
retrieve more matches. It was weird and scary as I looked in the mirror that hung on the inside of the basement door. From below I heard a groan; like that of a hideous beast that sucks flesh off people.
Suddenly! I remembered what it was I wanted to point out. Quickly, I ran back to my drawing room and used the lighter to relight the candle.
The shadows danced frantically as the flame burst through the dark, and soon I was back at it.
"Doctor Smith was not evil!" I fumed. "He was a victim of his own greed, ambitious and sloth, but not evil!" Angrily I threw the cat against the wall, but decided not to write it because people might believe me and think I was crazed, but I'M NOT!! DAMN IT!! I'M NOT!!
So I decided to make a mental note....uh...a memory note to delete the cat part. The cat slunk to the ground hurt, but not down. It's eyes gleemed with the desire for revenge. It glared at me as it bared its claws.
"And...ooooo!....I'ld like to kick the shit out of Don...in the
series...but the movie I'm just glad Joey finally got an acting job."
An owl said hoot.
My temperature rises as my fingers furiously pound on the
keyboards. Nothing could hold back the maddening tidal wave of
infuriating angry froth that savagely spewed frustration through the
small spigot of my brain.
"Then there's Godzilla! If that's what you want to call it."
The vision of an angry mob of amazonion warriors thunders through my head, high and proud on their steed as they bounce into
battle...pounce...I meant pounce. I cleared the vision and got to the matter back at hand.
"They could of called it anything, but it wasn't Godzilla. Godzilla was a man in a suit that stomped around cardboard replica's of Tokya while Japanese with bad interpretation problems ran screaming for Mothra. They chased it with planes that flew via fishing line which smashed and burned and you laughed...that was Godzilla!"
My anger threatens to overwhelm me as the blood pounds against my temples. A slight breeze could send me postal, could send me racing through the friggin country in a modified car running over people, could make me FLIP right out like a chinese kung fu acrobat on a speed overdose.
Desparately gathering the reservation required to complete my task, I trudge on. "This slick lizard they have pitted against a typical hollywood plot would have been a good movie by itself, called anything but Godzilla. Don't go promising a b movie and dissapoint me with good stuff."
I...can...take it...no...longer!
I grab a butcher knife a raise it high in the air. Those in the room scream and scatter in different directions.
'No,' I decide, that's not right. The chainsaw would be much more efficient, I realize and take it out of my desk. "But first...I must leave with these parting words to the hotshot animation editors in hollyweird."
"You bastards are killing my b medium! I...I...I will hunt you all down like straw dogs! Yes! All of you! I will destroy you with my freeze ray! I will implant your heads onto the heads of a big black man named Bubbah who hates you! I will hold you in a German POW camp where Ilsa will have her way with you! I will tie you to a railroad track and let a horde of Roman gladiators run over you!"
The candle flickers before it dies...In the darkness, I realize it is done. I clap my hands to activate the desk lamp morosely, knowing my soul is emptied. Perhaps there will be hope yet for this planet of apes.