The Ugly Rubber Duckling - Why they are now banned in the galaxy

The use of profane language in this story is intended for educational purposes only. Please excuse the fowl language.
This propaganda was generously donated by the governing authorities of the Milky Way:

The conditions of the factory were barbaric, even for earth.
Improper ventilation imbued everything inside with a thick melted rubber stench, even the unpainted cinder block which the old building was constructed of. The disgruntled employees were used to the smell, because it permeated them, all their clothes and even their furniture at home.
The rubber press rose and fell with timponic accuracy, echoing and resounding off the walls like Natural Disasters' metro dome. The machines that injected the rubber into the molds made a farting sound with each duck it produced. The squeaker driver whirred as it spun the squeaker down into the belly of the rubber duck, and then whined when it spun back up. A din of squeaks emanated as the ducks fell from the conveyor belt into the cooling bins.
The twisted, alcoholic owner had recently installed the recording of a clown laugh, which played incessantly over the tinny speakers. He thought it would improve employee morale, and thought it was working, but in actuality, it had driven them all over the edge. They were smiling because they had resolved themselves to killing the owner, had formulated a plan, and would be executing it soon.
"It's in the bottom drawer of his desk," the quality control
inspector said to the packager as he squeezed the duck. It squeaked and he tossed it into the packaging bin.
The packager picked it up and asked, "Is it locked?" He threw the duck into the packaging machine.
"Yes," the quality control inspector said as he squeezed another duck, then tossed it in the bin.
The packager twitched. "Then we need a key!" he exclaimed under his breath.
The quality control inspector squeezed the next duck, and it
produced the most awful sound he had ever heard. Not so much of a
squeak, but more of a squonk. They both looked at the toy with disdain, and smirked. Simultaneously they burst into raucous insane laughter.
They stopped as quickly as they started, and as he threw the rubber duck into the reject bin, it made a subtler squonk.

The sound it produced was reproachful from the point of view of
those receiving the frequency via primitive hair follicles, but for
those using psychic shockra points, it emitted a warm vibration
previously unfelt in the known galaxy. It rippled through space/time like a 'SLAP!' "Woop-woop-woop," of beloved Curly, but with tantamount more bearing. It penguined into wormholes and spurted out the other side, cascading over meteor fields and winding its' way through asteroid belts.
And to every species which had active psychic shockras, it lulled them into a euphoric sense of well-being, similar to the effects of goofballs, but incomparable in the degree to which one got 'stoned.'
Not even the governing bodies of the Milky Way were immune yet!
By the time they came to their senses, the rubber duck had already been abpenguited from the earth. Before they could issue a warning, it squeaked again.
No one is sure how long the known galaxy was 'out of it' for, or how many squeaks they endured, ( not even time scans can help), but when we came to, the Milky Way was a mess. Planets boasting simpillions were bedraggled and burnt out. Cases of extreme munchies raged unfettered except by the desire to take a long hot shower. Denizens took to driving Voltzwagen bugs (bugs from the planet Voltz) and growing epidermis for the first time in eons. They gathered in huge masses and just sat there with infantile smiles, paying no regard to their personal hygiene or the kind of clothes they wore.
The governing bodies of the Milky Way were concerned that by the time they learned to become immune, it would be too late. And every time they seemed to be making headway, the possessor of the duck would squeeze it again. They tried desperately to keep things under control any way they could, from killing the leaders of the neo-culture to issuing planet wide curfews.
They even tried a smoke screen war to divert attention and perhaps make the numbers manageable. Unfortunately, the area they waged the war had learned to produce synthetic rubber ducks that produced a weaker effect, yet was enough to waylay all the armies. To make matters worse, a sophisticated smuggling network of synthetic rubber ducks was developed by the soldiers, which poured around the galaxy undaunted.
It looked as though it would be the end of the civilized galaxy.
All of the galaxies hopes rested on the shoulders of the only who could bare such a weight. That being was no other then.........

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*~ BOY!!! ~*
Dumpster~*

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And his faithful side-kick Captain Keegle the
Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagulllllllll!!!!!

We join our heroes at the foot a tor where the evil Dr. Xdressers' secret hideaway is.
"Squawk?" Captain Keegle asked innocently.
"Because Dr. Xdresser must have the rubber duck! Why else would he leave the cryptic message, 'I've got he rubber duck!' on our super hero answering service. And we have to destroy it once and for all!"
"Squawk!" Captain Keegle asked.
"Because it's driving everyone GOOFY!"
"Squawk!!"
"NO! That's a bad thing! O Keegle ol' chum, one day you'll
learn."
Canned laughter.
"So without further adieu!" Dumpster Boy put his Josy and the
Pussycats lunch box on a rock, opened it and flung his cape out
dramatically. Some apple cores spilled out in the process, so he
stooped to pick them up. Captain Keegles flew off his shoulder long
enough to let him tie the cape on. (actually an apron that said
'Jorgles' Deli' on it.) He carefully closed his lunch box, and hid it where no-one would find it.
Tucking in his red T-shirt and pulling his blue long underwear
safely over his navel, he exclaimed, "To the lair Keegle!"
Suddenly a trap door beneath Dumpster Boy opened up, and he
streaked down a spiraling slide until he splashed into a pool below. As he checked his shoe to see if he had lost his eight dollars, he noticed he wasn't alone. The cavern he was in, was filled with temperamental penguins! Brandishing tickle feathers!

Will our hero be tortured to a tickling end!
Will our hero escape in time to stop the evil Dr. Xdresser from
squeezing the rubber duck and destroying the MILKY WAY!!
Oh the drama!
Oh the action!

Reaching into his utility long-underwear, Dumpster Boy quickly
pulled out a pickeral, giggling already as he did so. The closest
penguin came running to be the first to get the fish. It got it all
right! Right across the face along with a patented (pending) Dumpster Boy bite to the cheek!
Slap!
Pow!
Dumpster fought his way to an exit!
Ping!
Ooooo!
They swarm around him!
Tickle, tickle!
Hehehehehehehe!
"Can't...hold out...any...longer!

Is this truly the END OF EVERYTHING!
Even DUMPSTER BOY SURPRISE CEREAL WITH EXTRA SUGAR!!!
Oh the suspence!
OH MY BLOOD PRESSURE!!!!

Suddenly Captain Keegle appeared through the shaft Dumpster Boy
slid down, flying frantically and excreting his patented (pending)
Keegle Krap on the penguins!
Squat!
Squawk!
"Go Keegle go!"
Splat!
Slip!
"Not me!"

Our heroes narrowly escape death as they slip through the exit.
Wasting no time they hurry to Dr. Xdressers lab.
They opened a door and there it was. In an ark made of pure gold, whose value is of the sheckel according to the covenant, measuring twelve cubits by twelve cubits by fifty cubits, adorned with drapes made of finest linens strung around eight golden pillars.
"That looks like the Ark of the Covenant!" Dumpster Boy exclaimed.
"That's right, I stole it. What are you gonna do about it, you big brute," a slightly effeminate, but oozing with evil voice said from the shadows. Dr. Xdresser emerging wearing a light kacki mid-summer evening ensemble with matching sandals. The material was woven of an easy breathing cotton and blixicra blend with soft flowing curves and subtle hemlines. Not at all in style with the season of the planet!
"How you ever survived the implosion of the black hole is beyond me, but here you are." The doctor stopped near a console and struck a Sear/Starbuck pose. "Like a pimple on my butt."
"Cease and desist at once, you evil fiend!" Dumpster Boy demanded.

The doctor laughed evilly...well actually it was natural for him, but he was naturally evil. "Or what?! Your bird will shit on me again!? You'll throw a tin can at my head again?! You'll bonk me in the head with your silly Josy and the Pussy Cats lunchbox!?"
Now he had done it! He had hurt Dumpster Boys feelings!
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Dumpster Boy screamed as he attacked Dr. Xdresser. His limbs flailed wildly as he lunged in beserker rage!
Dr. Xdresser kicked off his sandal and hit Dumpster Boy square on the nose with it.
"Owwww!" he exclaimed bravely, stopping in his tracks and clutching his nose. "OWWWWWWW! It's bleeding!"
Captain Keegle went crazy with ire and shat on Dr. Xdresser!
Totally pissed at having yet another new outfit destroyed by the seagull, Dr. Xdresser brandished his gun and vapourized the side-kick into the 9th dimension.
That gave Keegle enough of a distraction to dash for the duck.
Dr. Xdresser shot the base of one of the golden columns around the ark of the covenant where the rubber duck sat, and all eight columns came crashing down on Dumpster Boy, the drapes entangled around.
The evil doctor strode casually over to the rubber duck, stopping to pick up and put on his sandal along the way. He made no attempt to walk around the heap Dumpster Boy was under, but just splunked over it.
"There seems to be a lot of concern about this duck," he said
sarcastically as he lifted it. "It seems that anyone not wearing my
patented (pending) Navel Vibration Absorber gets, how shall we say," he
grinned maliciously, "Out of business."
From the rubbles' depths came a muffled, "That's a good way to put it."
"You don't have a Navel Vibration Absorber on, do you?"
Dumpster Boy saw Dr. Xdressers hand come into view from a slight aperture in the spill. His hand clenched tighter around the duck!
"So if I were to, say," his hand clenched still tighter around the duck, "for some reason..." His hand clenched as hard as it possibly could without producing a sound! "have the whim to...." His hand clenched as hard as it possibly could without producing a sound!

OH THE EXCITEMENT!!!!!
OH THE EVERYTHING!!!!!!
THIS STORY IS TOO EXCITING EVEN FOR COMMENTATION!!!!!!

"...suddenly have it in me to..."
"WAIT!" Dumpster Boy exclaimed as he burst from the warm, cozy
feeling of the clutter! "I just remembered what I have to tell you!"
Dr. Xdresser looked confused.
"You have a child!"
The doctor looked more confused.
"The Milky Way Miles!"
Suddenly he remembered. He had the most Milky Way Miles in the
galaxy and cashed them in. He mostly wanted the Ion Gun for 9
vermillion MWM, but had enough left over to purchase a lot more. The DNA melding was one of the extra things he got.
"It's healthy and looks a little like you and a little like Curly!"

For the first time he could remember, he smiled warmly; a
combination of maternal glow and paternal warmth. "Is it a boy or
girl?" he demanded to know.
"Nobody is sure, but it's healthy!"
His smile widened.
"So if you destroy the galaxy with your squeak toy, what kind of place would it be to raise your child!? Where would it go to school?!
Where would it meet peers so it can socialize and discover the latest fashion trends!? How will it learn about different cultures if there are none left!?"
Dr. Xdresser grabbed Dumpster Boy by the T-shirt and pulled him
close to his heavily cosmetic laiden face. In deep, concise words he spat, "It will learn about other cultures from watching me pillage them! I will be the only peer it will ever need, and the only type of fashion it will ever know will come from the top-most authority - me!
It will learn from me and carry my legacy into the galaxy for ages to come! And as for what type of galaxy it will be - it will be the
perfect environment to raise my child - a vast wasteland of ANARCHY!!!"
'Squeak!'
"Noooooo!" Dumpster screamed and lunged after the duck. The
building shook for effect. Actually, make that an earthquake tremour!
They had only moments to get out of there before the hide-out collapsed!

They fought visciously for possession of the duck; stretching and twisting it to and fro while boulders crashed around them!
The duck squeaked in agonizingly warm vibrations.
Finally, at the last moment, Dr. Xdresser got the upper hand!
He laughed maniacally as he pushed his foot into Dumpster Boys face to scrape him free of the duck
But, at the last moment, Dumpster Boy imagined it was a discarded licorice, and gave it the patented (pending) Dumpster Boy Last Try! He yanked with all his might, exclaiming, "My twizzler!" The rubber around the ducks belly losened, and the squeaker popped out in slow motion four or five times from different perspectives.
The mountain crashed down around them.

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So, citizens of earth, you now know the reason why rubber ducks are a grave concern in the galaxy. Please take the time to learn the moral of the story, whatever that may be, then destroy all of your rubber ducks; before you are found guilty and are faced with the consequences. Because nobody can afford those kind of reprimands!

canned laughter
Good luck, and remember, don't take any rubber ducks!

canned applause